Confessions of a Depression - III

Borderline Personality Disorder covers a range of anomalies, ranging from depression and mania to insomnia, anger, cutting, delusional and irrational thoughts, abandonment issues and ‘splitting.’ Splitting is not ‘splitting’ as in two or more personalities but the inability, for one, to make decisions; to see ‘gray’ areas. Things are either right or wrong, there are no gray areas. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can also be a symptom of this disorder. Nail biting and counting are my OCD compulsions. I only have a mild case of BPD but even that has disrupted the majority of my life.

Anger has been my downfall, along with irrational thought patterns. I could get myself totally twisted out of shape, and those around me by non verbal communications which I expected everyone to hear and understand. My anger would surround me like a heavy black curtain. I could feel it happening and was unable to stop it smothering me. I had no idea at the time of what was going on when this happened and was unable to break out of this usually for 2 or 3 days or even a week. I was always right of course. Whatever I did or said, or didn’t say, I was right. When I was countered on this and because I was RIGHT, the anger started. The curtain would start to drop and I couldn’t stop it. I was trapped and could find no way out. It felt like I had a ton of weight on me and couldn’t escape/

I struggle with the ‘splitting.’ I have no problem making my own choices between the red dress and the blue one. The problem starts when someone else asks me which they should wear, or which restaurant to eat at. I CAN make a choice, BUT if I chose where I want to eat or which dress to wear, then I am very afraid that I have upset the other person by not choosing where THEY wanted to go or what they would have worn. I hate when someone leaves it up to me to make a decision for the same reason. I would much rather they said lets go eat sushi, even though I don’t like it, just so I know they are happy.

Cutting or self-harm is one thing that I hope I have seen the end of. This has happened about four times, three of them prior to being diagnosed with BPD. I have never had the intention of ending my life as I have way too much to do and places to go. One reason for this compulsion is validation of one’s feelings. I had feelings of being used and taken advantage of, almost as if I was spending my time entertaining and getting no applause. I had feelings of total emptiness as if no one notices me; therefore if no one noticed me, I was ‘dead.’ The other issue was when I knew I was right and was told repeatedly I was wrong. This came up about 3 years ago when my computer crashed and I needed to install a second hard drive. I was told repeatedly that I needed to buy a part and I knew I did not. (I was right, by the way.) Something comes over me and I can not explain it. In this instance I was so upset but there was no ‘black’ anger. It was a euphoric feeling because I WAS right and no one was going to tell me any different, yet I was in a daze of sorts, telling myself, ‘why can’t you see that I am right, there is NO other way except my way’. My thoughts were racing out of control; maybe I wasn’t here at all, maybe someone else was controlling me. I needed to ‘feel’ me, make sure I was alive, that I was ‘me.’ I was alone in the house by now, having upset the ‘other half.’ I was wound up tight, my thoughts racing and with clenched fists I needed to hurt myself. I figured there would be blood so a shower was in order along with a plastic comb I grabbed in passing. In the shower under hot water I took the comb and started raking it across my body, raising angry red welts. After a dozen slashes, I came to my senses and realized that I was going to make one hell of a mess of my body and I stopped. At the time it wasn’t hurting, but after it sure hurt, and I really was me and I really could feel. In the past, I used a knife of all things, but I made sure it was dull. I will always have scars up and down my arms. This is a very frightening thing when it happens and the first three times I did this, I had not a clue where these feelings came from or why they happened. I had no control of the situation, it just happened.

There are a lot of things that ‘just happened’ to which I had no explanation until my diagnosis, at which time I started doing some reading and understanding why things were happening. Abandonment is another issue I have problems with and a person with full blow BPD can end up with a complete breakdown.