Well, let’s see if we can get back on track here, with depression, coupled with Borderline Personality Disorder traits. My worst problem over the years has been of ‘Control.’ You wouldn’t know it by my house, but I do like to have things ‘flow’ in some kind of order. An interruption in that flow and things tend to end up rather twisted, to put it mildly.
I am alone 90% of the time on a small hobby farm, heating with wood and 75km from the nearest large center. Winters are a real drag, as it is dull, cool, rainy and generally miserable. I did find a full spectrum light helped with the ‘dull’ feelings I had. As always, there is a myriad of tasks and chores to take care off around here, but sometimes just the thought of doing some of them just does not appeal. I had noticed in the past that I would have a really good productive day or two and then things just seemed to be not worth bothering about. I would mope around for a few days and gradually get things done just because they had to be done. I am beginning to believe that this thing about ‘control’ has something to do with these ‘mini’ depressions.
Before I go any further, there is another aspect of this ‘control’ that needs explaining. I am the least likely person to get up on my soap box and explain and tell you the way to do things or the way I would like things to go. My way of control was this: I had my plan in my head about what was to happen and if things didn’t go according to my prearranged plan, my anger would build. I never said anything, yet body language screamed that I was pissed at something, yet no one could figure out why. I expected them to figure out why, even though I never said anything. Up until 6 or 7 years ago these episodes plagued me.
One Saturday morning hubby and I were heading off to Edmonton for shopping. (We lived 2 ½ hours north of the city at the time.) We had to see a neighbour 5 miles away before we left, which entailed opening a gate and closing it behind us when we went there. It was time to go. All was going fine up until this point, when I walked down the driveway and opened the gate. Well, guys will talk when it comes to equipment, and there I was waiting and fuming and waiting and huffing about wasted time and we would never get all the things done we needed to do, and get back home at a decent hour. We drove in silence and there were a few places we had to stop at. Of course that didn’t go well because I had it all mapped out in my mind about how to do all this without driving around in circles. Hubby had his plan and the more stops he made NOT according to my plan the angrier I became. He was calm through the whole shopping trip, except for me tagging along whom I think he preferred not to know. These periods of anger manifested themselves as a black curtain that surrounded me and I could not escape. I felt trapped. Depending on if hubby was home for a period of time or if he was leaving for work again, depended on how long it took me to break out of these periods.
Now, getting back to my recurring periods of being ‘off.’ I have noticed that these ‘off’ periods last about a week before I break out of it. It has never gone back to the weeks of being unable to do anything, it’s more of the ‘why bother doing anything because it’s either not right, won’t work, or falls apart and who cares anyway.’ I have always said that one thing can’t be done because there are three or four other things that have to be done, before that one thing can be completed. Right now, I have a list of 17+ projects that need attending to, which I am able to proceed with now, because those other ‘pre’ things had been taken care off while hubby was home. I was all set to tackle these projects in the order I had them listed on my white board when on Saturday I received a phone call from a neighbour lady who was contacting a sheep shearer from Down Island (4 hours drive) and would I be interested in having him do my sheep. Sounded great to me as my shoulder is in pain from a rotator cuff injury and I would most likely not get these sheep done myself. Now, add to my list, a corral to build to contain the sheep. No problem, I can handle that. Hubby left for work on Sunday and I contacted someone else that had one sheep she wanted sheared. I told her I would contact my contact and get back to her. Monday I called my contact, and no answer. I collected my corral making equipment together to work on the next day as I had physio in town. I phoned my contact. No answer. Tuesday I phoned, same thing. Worked on my corral and after 2 failures in doing what I had planned, I got something together. Phone the lady again, and no answer. Wednesday, my corral fell down and I had to put it back together. By now I was feeling a bit cheesed here. I still could not get hold of my contact and here I was waiting for a phone call, putting this corral together, and for what? I had to go to town Wednesday again. Thursday and still no answer to my calls. Well, this is a fine how do you do. This is NOT how things were to go. It’s Thursday and nothing has been done and here I wait for a phone call, plus the fact that I have someone else involved in this fine muddle. Why bother starting something else on my list? The weather was dull and drizzly, so I picked up and burnt wood waste through the day and watch TV. Friday was spent basically the same, except it was a bit nicer outside. Laundry was finally caught up with, but I had not bothered to talk with anyone else through the week, except briefly on Monday. The way things were supposed to go was: Get the contact number for the sheep shearer or at least be in contact with the lady that called me, THEN I would KNOW what was going on and be in CONTROL. Then I could plan the rest of the week in comfort, at least knowing what was going on. I got up today, with brilliant sunshine, hardly any breeze and said to hell with the phone and phone calls. I didn’t make any arrangements with anyone, so why should I feel guilty about this activity not coming to pass. I was like the weather, one day cold and miserable, the next happy and sunny, and boy did I get a lot accomplished.
I am having a very hard time breaking this ‘control’ thing with myself. I learned a lot from Eckhart Tolle’s, ‘The Power of Now.’ We live in the ‘Now’; we can’t change the past and we don’t know what the future holds. When it comes to interacting with other people, I ‘go with the flow,’ and whatever is planned or happens, happens. When it comes to Me, Myself and I, I am constantly running into the problem of things not going the way I planned them, I am so ‘stuck’ in my way of thinking, that I can not deviate from The Plan. I seem to get my hopes and plans in motion when someone suggests something and 99% of the time my dreams are dashed. This leads my twisted thoughts to all the other people who have ‘promised’ and not followed through, which leads right back to “Why Bother.”
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