Confessions of a Depression - II

I picked up some new pills from the health food store yesterday, MacaSure, a new product to regulate and balance hormones, and regulate menopause and andropause symptoms, including insomnia according to the sales woman. I won’t say I had a sound sleep, but I didn’t wake up tossing covers and was dry in the morning for a change. I even felt like I was somebody and not an automaton waiting for the first order of the day. Maybe I am ‘willing’ this to work, night two coming up.

Watching the news drinking morning tea and later on, watching the Canucks win their third game, I realized that for once in a long time, I was actually sitting on the couch and not feeling I was part of it. It felt like a weight had been lifted off me as I wandered around before doing chores. I haven’t felt quite like this in ages, my normal existence is like being in a soup; thinking murky, a struggle getting motivated, thoughts of ‘why bother.’ I accomplished 4 things today which should have been done ages ago. They were done with enjoyment and I felt quite pleased with myself. That doesn’t happen very often; it’s usually, ‘thank god that’s done.’

I have been with my husband for 38 years and according to him I changed after the birth of our first boy who was quite sick. We had a second boy 4 years later, a healthy 9+ pounder, a toddler! It wasn’t until 2000 that things went terribly wrong and I became privy to the above information. I had terrible anger problems and control issues and was an excellent player of the Blame Game. I was right all the time and the worst part was expecting others to read my mind. If what was planned in my mind did not play out accordingly, the Silent Treatment was on order and an anger that lasted for days. I can’t count the number of dishes that have been smashed. There was the washing machine with a dent in it from a broom handle and my broken toe from kicking the sewer pipe. There was also the cutting that happened 2 or 3 times, totally out of the blue.

I ended up in the local hospital for an overnight convalescence after one episode of manic behavior, drugged and left totally alone to wake up to a cold breakfast and booted out the door the next day. I also wanted to check myself in for help New Years 2001 and no one was available to help. After numerous prods from the husband to find out what is wrong and me saying ‘there is nothing wrong with me ,’ then, finally realizing that I needed help and being turned away, I maybe thought that I was okay. I didn’t know what was with me; life was great, I had a farm, a part time job, I was connected with the Municipal Government, the College and taking Library Assistance course, but my anger/control seemed to be destroying those around me. Maybe looking back at calendars may trigger something about why I became part of the furniture in February 2003 for 3 months. It took me a few weeks to figure that this was just not right and went to Mental Health in a different town and was treated totally different. I was diagnosed with Anxiety and prescribed anti-depressants.

It took 3 months to find the right drug, but many of my symptoms left. I didn’t quite know how they fit into the Anxiety mold but some of the anger left and all the racing thoughts I was having before bed about what I had to do and what everyone else hadn’t done. I started into reading on Mental Disorders. I had a friend who was taking Psychology courses who was a great help at this time. I became a board member of the Mental Health Association in Alberta. This was a time when Mental Illness was something that others had and no one talked about. That is the worst thing possible, to hid the fact that you are dealing with a problem. I was quite pleased that I had found out what was wrong with me and could then explain to others why I was maybe not the best person I could have been in the past. I was still told to be quiet; you don’t want everyone knowing you are a mental case.

It wasn’t until 2 years later that I got the diagnosis of minor Borderline Personality Disorder, something that I had figured out from my reading and I finally saw the light.