Confessions of a Depression

Oh how I wished someone would score the winning goal. I was falling asleep through the news and the third period even though I was in bed by 10:30 last night. I pray for a solid, sound night’s sleep and maybe this was it; then the game went into overtime! And no way was I missing the Canucks winning their third game of the series. Falling asleep, startling awake by the play, it was over after 13 minutes or so. Yipee…. Sound sleep coming up. It was 9:30.

I was up at 7:30 and felt like a whole new person. A very fitful sleep of maybe two hours, the rest broken. Five days of depression is over. It was like a veil had been lifted of me. I have been under this ‘veil’ for about 4 years now. Every once in a while it falls and I get tangled up in it. I know I can break free but somehow the strength just isn’t there to do it. Maybe it was sitting under my ‘daylight’ light half the day yesterday that broke it, or it was the ‘time’ for this episode to end. It’s time to make note of these things.

Unless you have lived ‘depression’, it may be hard to imagine what it’s like not to be able to do your everyday tasks. You get up and get the animals fed, maybe split some wood if there isn’t any at the house, but it may not make it to the house till later. Do I want to eat? I should, but don’t feel hungry and really don’t want to cook. I sit down and drink tea, trying to find some motivation. You pick something to do, get up to do it and wander around aimlessly in the direction of the ‘something’ and all desire to do it leaves and its back to the chair and tea. Add to this mix other mental disorders and/or afflictions, and you have quite a mess to sort out.

I was prescribed anti-depressants 8 years ago after suffering 3 months of existing in a soup of inability to do or finish tasks. Unbeknown to me at the time, I was also suffering from mild Borderline Personality Disorder which was diagnosed a year later. The anti-depressants sent the depression packing and also alleviated some of the BPD symptoms. I felt on top of the world and looking forward to a new life on Vancouver Island starting in 2005.

Things were looking rosy. A lot of work to develop an acreage but I could manage that. I had done so for 25 years previous. I didn’t expect to have to deal with what I believe are the effects of chem trails plus the curse of menopause. Four years ago enthusiasm and get-up-and-go got up and departed. It felt like I was living my life in a box with the lid partly open. I knew that if I could only get out of the box, I could accomplish anything. The only problem was that it was only on rare days that the box would let me free. I blamed it on these CLF bulbs and had all 32 taken out of the house. It made no difference. I was still on anti-depressants. The doctor up them to 3 a day and there was still no difference. Being a reader of alternative news, conspiracy theories and alternate medicine, I substituted 6000 IUs of Vitamin D a day gradually for the drugs and felt more or less the same. Natural light and especially sunlight are on the menu for depression. We have been told to stay out of the sun, cover up with lotion and never take mega doses of Vitamin D. Now, instead of the black curtain of anger I fought with the BPD which the anti-depressants helped somewhat, and the box I couldn’t escape from, I am now dwelling under what seems like a misty veil. We weren’t here very long before I noticed the huge number of planes leaving trails that stayed for hours, for days on end through the summer on clear blue skies. I am somehow convinced that whatever is in these trails is drifting down and affecting some of the population. Like drugs, some work for you, others don’t and this chemical soup is affecting us the same way, dumbing us down, depressing us to the point we don’t care what is really going on out there. There is so much here to be enthusiastic about; things to do, fix, build, make, that I should be up at the crack of dawn, full of beans to get things done. There is always this veil of depression hanging over me. Some days, like today, I seem to be able to escape and ‘enjoy’ the day. Will it last? I don’t know. I shall have to see what tomorrow brings. (Its 11:30pm, I don’t feel particularly tired and this is something that I have needed to explore for a long time, but I haven’t been able to capture the inspiration to actually act.) At other times, like the past 5 days, I have become entangled in it. I know these periods won’t go on for weeks and try not to be sucked under and fight it. Dealing with other problems adds to the whole mess, but I can’t change what’s been nor what’s to come, I can only deal with now.

Insomnia is a symptom of depression, BPD and menopause and a good sound sleep would solve a ton of problems. I had periods of sleeplessness prior to moving, solved with a mild narcotic used for a couple of nights once or twice a month, or less. The last 4 or 5 years I can count on one hand the refreshing sleeps I have had. Is this depression or menopause? Night sweats were a definite cause for a couple of years, but that has calmed down somewhat. Day 3 or 4 of these last two depressive periods I had, I was falling asleep through the day. I could have a solid two hours sleep, and feel good I actually slept for two whole hours! Sleep usually consists of an hour of sleep when it finally comes, and then broken tossing and turning, being too warm then chilled off and wanting to have a good sleep at 7am. It’s not that I am not tired when I go to bed. I am, yet I can’t sleep

Depression hurts. Who does it hurt? It hurts everyone. Mostly because mental illness has a stigma attached to it and many do not understand how a depressive feels. I have other issues and demons I am fighting all the time, sometimes winning, other times not gaining, but during my depression periods I hurt inside. The possible seems impossible, I am misunderstood and no one seems to understand, and I feel very isolated.

These few paragraphs have outlined some of my issues that I feel need to be explored in this format. As I mentioned previous, what I needed to write just hasn’t made it to paper because of my state of mind. What I have written has touched on a variety of issues, which I feel if I explore in my thoughts, I can come to some reconciliation with the way I am feeling and deal with some of my issues.